Short Stuff: Anger

Anger gets such a rough deal, doesn't it. People either think they've got too much of it and feel ashamed, or they reckon they never get angry and think that's something to be proud of. And honestly, both of those things are worth looking at.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hiya, talking about anger this week, not just because of the football, but because I think it gets a really rough deal. People either think that they've got too much of it and they feel ashamed or they reckon they never get angry, and they're weirdly proud of that. That sort of, oh, I never get angry, me. And honestly, both of those things are worth looking at because anger isn't the problem most people think it is. It's not the enemy, it's a signal. And like any signal, what matters is whether you know how to read it. Think of it like your smoke alarm. Your smoke alarm going off is not the problem, is it? The smoke is the problem. The alarm is just the thing that's telling you that something needs your attention right now. And anger works exactly the same way. It's your brain going, oh, something's wrong here. Do something about it. And it's been doing that for millions of years long before anyone decided that it was a character flaw. Because here's the biology of it. Your unconscious mind, that ancient pre logical part of your brain that's been running the show since long before rational thought turned up to the party, is constantly scanning your environment for threats. Not necessarily physical threats, not a panther it's scanning for anything that it's learned to see as dangerous. So rejection, humiliation, feeling ignored or disrespected or controlled, even disappointed. And when it spots one of those things, it does exactly what it's always done. It floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol and fires up the fight or flight response. And if the signal it's sending is fight your way out of this, that's anger. So it's not a personality flaw. It's your ancient brain doing ancient brain things. The problem is, of course, that in the modern world, it doesn't come to update the system at all. Your brain genuinely can't tell the difference between a predator on the savanna 3 million years ago and your internet going down for the fourth time this week. The same system fires, the same chemicals flood in, which is why people lose it at football referees or say something truly nuclear to somebody that they genuinely love over something small. The body is convinced it's a survival situation, and in survival mode, logical thought basically goes offline. So here's the thing I really want you to sit with. Anger is never the primary emotion, not once, not ever. There is always something underneath it. Always. When someone says, you made me angry. They're describing a secondary response, not the original wound, because we don't get angry without first feeling something else. Could be hurt, disappointment, a sense of injustice, or feeling small or not heard, whatever it is. Something landed first and then anger came in behind it, like a bodyguard. A big loud bodyguard who makes a scene. So the vulnerable thing underneath doesn't have to be seen. And that's actually useful to know. 'cause if you find yourself getting angry a lot in traffic, with your partner, with your kids. It's worth getting genuinely curious about what's underneath that, rather than why am I so angry all the time? Which is the question that leads nowhere good. But what am I feeling before the anger kicks in? Because the answer often surprises people. What looks like an anger problem is sometimes grief or years of shame. Finding the only language it knows. Anyway, there is a lot more to get into in this sort of topic, what to actually do with it in the moment, why some anger is entirely correct and healthy, and why the person you are quietly resenting is almost certainly sleeping just fine. Thank you very much. If you want the full version of this episode that's over on my Patreon page, where every week there's a full length episode going a lot deeper into topics like this one. It's a very small monthly subscription and there's a whole back catalogue of episodes and you can filter by topic. There's anxiety, relationships, self-esteem, stress, all sorts of stuff. So you can find what's relevant to you in the moment whenever you need it. You'll see the link in the description as always. Like I say, it's very cheap. It's like one pound 50 a week. You're probably already spending more than that on subscriptions you forgot you've got, only this one might seriously improve your mental health. Anyway, gotta go. Enjoy your week folks. See ya.