Short Stuff: Acceptance and Commitment

This week I’m talking about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. A therapy model that sounds a bit like “just accept things” on the surface, but actually has a lot more depth to it than that.

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Hello folks. Hope you're doing all right. Today I want to talk a bit about something that catches a lot of people out. The idea that in order to live well, we first have to feel well. A common one is that people often say that we need to get rid of anxiety before we can be confident, get rid of sadness before we can enjoy life. Get rid of self-doubt before we can take risks. And so we end up waiting, waiting to feel ready, and sometimes we wait years. I was talking on Patreon last month about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which turns that idea upside down a little bit. Because ACT says maybe the goal isn't to control every thought and emotion that shows up in your mind. Maybe the goal is to stop struggling with them so much so that you can actually get on with your life. Now, that doesn't mean giving up. It doesn't mean liking painful emotions or pretending things are fine when they aren't. Acceptance in ACT isn't resignation. It's more about saying, right, this feeling is here right now. What do I wanna do next? Because the more we fight with anxiety or intrusive thoughts or low mood, the more tangled up we can become in them. It's a bit like quicksand really. You know in films where someone panics and thrashes about trying to escape and just sinks faster, the struggle itself becomes part of the problem. And human beings do this all the time, psychologically. We avoid situations that make us anxious. We push away thoughts we don't like. We distract ourselves from difficult emotions. We try to force confidence, force positivity, force calmness even. And sometimes the harder we try not to feel something, the bigger it becomes. I've worked with people over the years who've spent so much time trying not to feel anxious that their entire life became organised around avoiding anxiety. So they stopped going to places. They stopped speaking up, they stopped trying new things. And their world just gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Not because they're anxious, but because their brain is desperately trying to protect them from it. Well ACT asks a different question. Instead of, how do I get rid of this feeling? It asks. What sort of life do I want to build, even if this feeling comes along for the ride? That's where the commitment part comes in. Commitment to your values and values are really important in ACT. So rather than values creating goals, they create directions. They might create goals further down the line, but you start with your values. The sort of person you want to be. Maybe kind, honest, courageous, creative, present, compassionate. 'cause you can still move towards those things even on difficult days. You can be anxious and still be loving. You can feel self-doubt and still be brave. You can feel grief and still connect with other people. You can feel low and still do one tiny thing that matters. That's psychological flexibility really. Learning that difficult thoughts and emotions don't have to make all your decisions for you. One of my favourite ACT ideas is recognising that thoughts are just thoughts. That sounds obvious, but our brains don't always treat them that way, do they? In your mind, you might say, oh, you are gonna embarrass yourself, and It can feel like a fact, like a warning siren. But ACT teaches people to notice their thoughts, but without instantly obeying them. So instead of I'm a failure, it becomes, I'm having the thought that I'm a failure. It's a tiny difference in wording, but it's a massive difference psychologically. 'cause it creates space, and when we create a bit of space between ourselves and our thoughts, we get more choice about what we do next. That's what the full episode is all about, really making room for thoughts and emotions without letting them completely run the show. Because a meaningful life isn't built by waiting for perfect emotional conditions. Human beings don't work like that. We live messy lives with messy brains and uncomfortable feelings and old stories rattling around in our heads, but we can still move forward slowly, sometimes nervously, sometimes, but forward nonetheless. So look me up on Patreon if you want some extra help with this. Otherwise, I'll speak to you again next Friday. Tara.