The Anxiety of Being Misunderstood

Ever found yourself apologising for things that don’t really need an apology? Sorry for asking a question. Sorry for needing help. Sorry for simply existing in someone else’s eyeline.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hiya. I'm talking about the fear of being misunderstood today. It's one of those things that comes up constantly in therapy, in relationships, in everyday life. And yet people don't always clock just how much it's running in the background affecting the way they behave. So I was in a pub the other week with a friend and they needed to squeeze past me to get to the door. Nothing dramatic. Except they apologised and then apologised again as if they'd done something wrong by existing and needing access to a doorway. And I just moved and said, you know, you don't have to apologise for that. You're allowed to ask me to move. You haven't ruined my evening by having a bladder. And they laughed, but not fully. You know that laugh where someone knows that you've spotted something true. Because for some people, apologising isn't really about manners. It's anxiety. It's a little preemptive social safety behaviour that says, Let me make it clear that I know I'm a nuisance. So you don't have to tell me. And underneath that, very often, is a fear of being seen as rude, difficult, demanding, too much. So they get ahead of it. They apologise before anybody else can object. They smooth out the edges before anyone complains that they're sharp. And it doesn't stop at apologies either. It might be rereading a text six times before you send it. It might be overexplaining yourself when someone asks a perfectly simple question. Someone says, Did you get my email? And instead of just saying, Yeah, not a chance to reply yet. You feel this urge to account for every hour of your day since it arrived. Or it goes the other way entirely and you just go quiet. 'Cause you've learned that trying to explain yourself tends to make things worse. So you say things like, oh, it doesn't matter when something absolutely does. Underneath it all is usually one painful little fear that if people don't understand me properly, they might stop liking me or respecting me or wanting me around. That's the sting. And if your self-esteem is a bit wobbly anyway, being misunderstood doesn't feel like a minor inconvenience. It feels like evidence. Evidence that maybe you really are annoying. Maybe you really are too much. And that's where it gets teeth. Worth remembering though that misunderstanding isn't always about you. Other people aren't neutral little truth machines accurately perceiving everyone they meet. They've all got their own filters, their own bruises, their own assumptions. Sometimes someone misreads you because they're stressed or distracted or they've decided what you mean before you've even finished your sentence. That happens all the time, and it doesn't automatically mean that you've got something wrong. So notice your automatic apologies, the ones that are genuinely warranted and the ones that are just fear in a polite outfit. And where you can swap sorry for thank you. Rather than, Sorry I'm late. Try Thank you for waiting. I know it sounds small, but it stops you framing your own needs as offences, which does something quite significant to how you see yourself over time. So have a little think this weekend. Where in your life are you apologising for things that aren't actually offences? Where are you trying so hard to not be misunderstood, that you're making yourself smaller and smaller just to feel safe? Because you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have needs, you are allowed to ask someone to move so you can get to the toilet in peace. And if that feels bigger than it sounds, then maybe there's something there worth noticing. And if this is a longstanding habit, be patient with yourself. These things don't vanish overnight just because you've understood why they're happening. You're teaching your nervous system bit by bit, that being misunderstood is uncomfortable, but not fatal, not proof that you're bad, not proof that you're too much. Just one of those things that happens when human beings bump up against each other. And if you want more on this topic, the full version is over on my Patreon page where a new episode is out every single week. And for just a couple of pounds a month, you can get to listen to it all. Hundreds of hours. And the link is in the show notes as always, if you fancy it, I'll leave it there for today. Have a lovely weekend. Look after yourself and I'll speak to you again soon. See ya.