Whose Voice Is That in Your Head?

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I should be better than this” or “I mustn’t upset anyone” and wondered where that rule actually came from?
This week, we're having a look at the psychology of introjects. The beliefs, attitudes and standards we unconsciously absorb from parents, teachers, partners and society. The invisible scripts that quietly shape our self esteem, anxiety, relationships and sense of worth.

Transcript

Whose Voice Is That in Your Head 0:00

Happy Friday everybody. Now then, jumping straight into it'cause this is just a short five minute bonus episode today. So let me ask you something. When you make a mistake, whose voice do you hear in your head? Is it your own or does it sound like someone else? Maybe it says things like, you should know better or don't be so dramatic, or what will people think? And it feels true, doesn't it? It feels like common sense, like morality, like reality. But what if it isn't actually you? Last month on Patreon, I made an episode about something called introjects and introjected values. And I know they sound like big psychological words, but they're very simple ideas, once you strip them down. An introject is basically a voice or a belief that you've absorbed from someone else. Usually when you were young, you swallowed it whole and you didn't question it, didn't even realise that you were doing it, in fact. Because children absorb and respond to everything that they experience, which sounds quite poetic, and it's more than that. It's survival. When we young, we learn very quickly what keeps us safe, what earns approval, what avoids conflict, and we build a version of ourselves around that. So if you were praised for achieving, you might have internalised the idea that your worth equals your output. If you were criticised for being emotional, you might have internalised the belief that feelings are weakness. If you grow up around anxiety, you might have internalised hyper vigilance as normal, and then given enough repetition, we grow up and we call those patterns personality. We say, that's just how I am. But is it or is it something you inherited? Introjected values are the rules that live quietly in the background of your mind. The shoulds. I should always be productive. I should never upset anyone. I should cope on my own. I should be thinner, stronger, better. Says who? Often we don't even know. We just know that if we break the rule, we feel guilt or shame, and guilt is a powerful enforcer. It keeps us in line even when no one else is watching. If you're already a patron of mine and you missed that episode, I explored how these invisible scripts get formed, how they can quietly run our lives, and how some of them are actually helpful.'Cause not all interjects are negative. Some of us internalised kindness or resilience or courage from people who believed in us. But others. Yeah, not so much. And when those harsher voices are left unexamined, we mistake them for truth. There's a moment that happens sometimes in therapy when someone realises that the critical voice in their head isn't actually theirs. Maybe it sounds like a parent or a teacher or an ex-partner. Suddenly begins to lose a bit of its power.'cause if it came from somewhere, It can be questioned. And that's always worth looking at gently and with curiosity. Not to blame anyone. Most people pass on what was passed to them, but as adults, we get to decide what we keep. So it's really important that we learn how to spot an introjected value. How to tell the difference between a value you've consciously chosen and one that you've just inherited. And why that difference matters for your self-esteem, for your anxiety levels, for your relationships.'cause if you are constantly trying to meet standards that were never truly yours, you'll always feel slightly behind. Slightly inadequate, slightly on edge, and that's exhausting. So over the weekend, just notice your inner dialogue, especially when you rest, especially when you say no, especially when you make a mistake. Whose voice is that? Now you don't need to fix it yet. Just notice it. Like I say, listen to the Patreon episode about this.'Cause there is a seven day free trial anyway, so it's not gonna cost you anything. Where I talk about how to reposition those voices. So they're not driving the car anymore. They're still there maybe, but they're not steering anymore because you are not the sum of the rules you absorbed. You are the one who can reflect on them, and reflection creates choice, and that's where real freedom starts. I'll see you then. Have a great weekend. Everybody. Look after yourselves and each other. Take care.