The Drama Triangle

If you ever find yourself stuck in the same old arguments, playing out like a bad soap opera then that might be the Drama Triangle at work. Where we slip into roles of Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor without even realising. So, today I’ll explain how the cycle works, why we get caught in it, and how to step out of the drama by choosing healthier roles instead.

Transcript

Richard: 0:00

Hi folks. Hope you're doing all right today and there's not too many dramas going on for you. Have you ever noticed how some arguments or family dramas seem to play out like a soap opera? The same script repeating over and over. Someone feels mistreated, someone else swoops in to fix it. And before long, somebody's the villain. That's what psychologists call the drama triangle. Back in the 1960s, a therapist called Stephen Karpman noticed these patterns while studying human behaviour. He saw that in conflict, people often unconsciously take on one of three roles. Victim, rescuer or persecutor, and he drew them as the corners of a triangle. Problem is once people step into that triangle, they tend to keep moving around it. So the victim role isn't necessarily about being an actual victim of something awful. It's more about feeling powerless. It's the Why me? mindset. People in this role see problems as happening to them with little ability to influence the outcome. On the surface, it looks like helplessness, but underneath, there's often a hope that someone will step in and save the day. And often someone does. Enter the rescuer. The rescuer feels compelled to jump in and fix things. Sometimes even when nobody's asked them to and they say things like, Don't worry, I'll sort it. It looks generous, but the motivation can be about avoiding their own problems or boosting their self-worth by being indispensable. Over time, though, rescuers often burn out, they feel drained, even resentful because they've taken responsibility for someone else's life. And then there's the persecutor. This is the role that criticises, blames, controls. It doesn't always show up as shouting or obvious aggression, though. Sometimes it's sarcasm, guilt trips the cold shoulder. The persecutor maintains power by making others feel small or at fault, often masking their own vulnerability. The thing is though, people don't stay in one position. They slide around. So if you imagine this at work, an employee complains that they're drowning in work. Victim. A colleague jumps in to help. Rescuer. After a week, the rescuer feels unappreciated and overwhelmed themselves, so they become the victim. Maybe they snap at that first colleague and now they've turned into the persecutor and round and round it goes, and everybody feels worse. So. If it makes things worse, why does it feel natural to play these roles? Well, it's because each one provides an unconscious payoff. The victim gets sympathy and avoids responsibility. The rescuer feels important. The persecutor feels powerful. And often these patterns are learned in childhood so they feel familiar even if they are unhealthy. But there is an alternative, a model called the Empowerment Triangle that flips the script. So instead of victim, you've got creator, someone who acknowledges challenges, but looks for options and takes responsibility for choices. Instead of rescuer, you've got a coach, someone who's supportive, asking questions, encouraging growth without taking over, and then instead of persecuter, you've got a challenger. So they're still direct, but they're constructive, encouraging others to step up rather than tearing them down. So it's the same triangle, but much healthier. So, simple exercise. Think of a recent situation that left you feeling frustrated. An argument, maybe a work problem. Ask yourself, which role was I playing? Victim, rescuer, persecutor. Think about how you could approach it as a creator, coach, or challenger instead. So if you felt like a victim, what small action could you take to feel more in control? If you noticed yourself rescuing, could you step back and ask, What do you think might help? Rather than leaping in. And if you were critical, could you reframe it as a challenge saying, I know you are capable of more. Instead of You always get this wrong. So the drama triangle, once you spot it, is everywhere. Families, workplaces, friendships, and even in the chatter inside our own heads. But the more you notice it, the more choice you have. So this week, keep an eye out for it. If you catch yourself in the middle of a familiar drama. Pause and ask, What role am I in? What role do I choose instead?'cause that awareness alone can shift the whole script on its head. As always, I go into a bit more detail on my Patreon episode. Come and join us if you want to hear a bit more, and I'll speak to you again soon. See ya.