The Roles We Play

Why do families, schools and workplaces so often create “roles” like the star, the scapegoat, the peacekeeper or the joker? In this episode we dive into systems theory, exploring how groups unconsciously assign parts to people in order to keep balance, and the cost this can have on our self-esteem and identity.

Transcript

Richard: 0:00

It's bonus episode day, and I'm talking about systems theory today. Have you ever noticed that in every group of people, there always seems to be a few set characters? There's usually a star, the one who seems to shine at everything they do, and they get heaps of praise. There's often a scapegoat as well. The one who somehow gets blamed for everything that goes wrong. Then you'll often find a peacekeeper. The one who smooths things over to keep everyone calm. And quite often there's the joker, the one who keeps everybody laughing, maybe to lighten the atmosphere, maybe to distract from something more uncomfortable. Now, these roles, they don't come from nowhere. They're part of what psychologists call systems theory, and the idea is that families, schools, workplaces, even friendship groups, they all work like little systems, a bit like an orchestra.'cause when one instrument goes outta tune, everybody else has to adjust to keep the music sounding correct, together. Systems are always trying to find balance, even if it's not a healthy balance, and everything's outta tune. And so people often end up being nudged into roles. The star makes the parents feel successful. The scapegoat carries the tension. The Joker makes sure that nobody's gotta sit in silence with any of their feelings. And nobody volunteers for these parts, but once they're handed out, they can stick. I know this from my own school days. I've likely got a couple of old school friends who might listen to these podcast Hello to you, and I was given the label of the joker in the system because, for some reason, nature or nurture dunno, the label fit my behaviour and so my behaviour had to fit my label. But sometimes the role you play says more about the system than it does about you. The class needed a joker and I happen to fit the bill. And maybe you've experienced something similar. Maybe you've been given a label of the clever one or the lazy one, or the shy one. Maybe you've been given the scapegoat one, carrying everybody else's stress. And these labels can follow us for years. They shape how we see ourselves, you see. Because these roles are gonna come at a cost. The star is likely to grow up feeling terrified of making mistakes. The scapegoat might believe that they're worthless. The peacekeeper might never learn how to stand their ground. And the joker, they might struggle to ever be taken seriously even when they really need to be. These are deep patterns, and they might start in childhood, but they show up everywhere. Yes, they're in the classrooms. They're also in workplaces. They're even in, like I say, your friendship groups down the pub. Probably. Now in my longer episode on Patreon, I'll go into this in a bit more detail. We'll talk about something called the identified patient. Now that's the person in the family who shows the symptoms. So they're the one who gets taken to therapy or they're the one that's labeled as the problem, when really they're carrying the stress of the whole system. It's a very powerful idea this because it reminds us that the person who looks like the problem might actually be showing us where the real problem lies. It's important to also look at what a healthy system looks like, to aim for that. Not all systems are dysfunctional. In a healthy so-called family people are allowed to be whole human beings. They're not just the roles that they've been given. So the funny child can be taken seriously. The star is allowed to fail. The scapegoat doesn't have to carry everybody's stress. And in workplaces as well. A healthy system means that mistakes aren't being dumped on one person.'cause responsibility is shared and people feel safe enough to speak up and ask for help. So in the full episode, we explore a bit more about that, but more importantly, we look at what you can do about it. Awareness is where this all starts. But these roles aren't destiny. Systems can change. When one person steps out of their role, things can wobble for a bit. The system gets outta balance for a while. But eventually a new balance is found. It's not always easy, but it is possible. So if any of this rings a bell for you, if you've ever wondered why you might always seem to be the one that's keeping the peace or the one getting the blame, or the one cracking jokes to cover how desperately sad you're finding everything, then come and join me on Patreon where I go into this and more in quite a lot of detail because people need to know that they're not just the roles that they've been cast in by somebody else, especially when they didn't even audition for that role in the first place. You are more than that, but sometimes we need to highlight all of this and get really aware of what's going on so we can then take that first step to figuring out who you really are.