Boundaries

Most people think of boundaries as being like a physical thing as if there's a chalk outline on the ground everywhere you go and if someone steps into it it makes you upset. The thing is the only one that knows the boundary is there is you.
Today is all about why boundaries are important, how to set them and how you know if someone's crossed the line.

Transcript

Richard: 0:02

And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls podcast, the personal development podcast series that's here to help inspire, educate, and motivate you to be the best you can be. I'm psychotherapist Richard Nicholls, and today you'll learn about boundaries. If you are ready, we'll start the show. Hey folks, happy August. If it is August for you, I dunno when you're listening to this, do I? But it might be Friday, the 1st of August for you today. And if it is, I do apologise'cause I also put out a short five minute bonus episode every Friday, don't I? So, if you listen to me on a podcast app, this morning it pushed two episodes to you at the same time. Sorry about that. It only happens once or twice a year, so I shouldn't worry about it, but it feels a bit intrusive, giving you two on the same day, like I've crossed a line and that's what I wanna talk about today, boundaries. Why they're important, how to set them, and how you know if someone's crossed the line. So, most people think of boundaries as being a physical thing, like there's a personal space around them that's not for other people to be in. As if there's a chalk outline on the ground everywhere you go, and if someone steps into it, it makes you anxious. The thing is, the only one that knows it's there is you. It's invisible to everyone else but you. And these boundaries can be about anything and everything. If your boundaries are about how much time your next door neighbour spends chatting with you on your drive, when you've come home from work and they keep on crossing the line, then it needs to change. If you have a boundary between what's acceptable and what isn't about anything, and you feel that people keep on crossing over it. Then it needs to change, because if it doesn't you will resent it eventually if you don't already. And it's gonna lower your self-esteem, if it hasn't already. People crossing boundaries can make you feel as if you've been taken advantage of, you see. But like I say, these boundaries are invisible. The other person doesn't know that they've crossed the line. Now, sometimes they do. Sometimes you are being taken advantage of and the other person knows exactly what they're doing. I hear so many stories from clients about how they only hear from certain members of their family when they want to quote, borrow some money. They know they're not gonna see the money again. And they know they probably won't see that family member again until next Christmas when they pile on the guilt trip that they can't give their kids the Christmas they deserve. But they had the money for their friends hen weekend in the summer, didn't they? So these boundary crossings, they come up in therapy a heck of a lot. But how do we prevent it?'cause it's not easy to say no to someone who you have habitually said yes to. Is it? Maybe there can be a, okay, but this is genuinely the last time I'm doing this for you, sort of conversation. A, you need to learn how to manage your money better. Please don't ask me for handouts again, sort of conversation. Somebody once told me once that when a random nephew would ask to borrow money every single summer to take his children on holiday, and the money would never be paid back, it stopped when they were told, okay, I'll do this for you, but instead of paying me back. I want you to give it to your children at Christmas and I'll put a note in their Christmas card from me that says, Merry Christmas. Your dad's got a hundred quid from me for you. I hope you get yourself something nice or something like that. And he didn't ask for any money the following year, obviously. And that's a great way of setting boundaries.'cause there's a time and a place for being passive aggressive, isn't there? And that was just perfect. I think of boundaries as being the line where I end and someone else starts as if someone crossing the boundary means I'm no longer being myself, I'm not being authentic. I'm being the me that they want me to be, rather than the me that I want to be. So if people can stay on their side of the boundary what we often find is that we're still very often gonna be the version of ourselves that they want anyway, because if we can be ourselves. That's also the us that we want to be as well. But them crossing that line means that there's a mismatch between who we think we are and who they think we are. And then one of two things needs to change. Either our expectations of ourselves changes or their expectations of us changes. Maybe both. But if the other person isn't aware that they're crossing the boundary, then they'll carry on regardless. My wife randomly took a day off a couple of weeks ago'cause she'd done too much overtime and needed to cash it in. And I said, great, I'll finish early myself that day and we can do something together. And she just put a hand up and said, you can do what you like, but I've already got plans now. If she didn't have the confidence or whatever to tell me No, then she'd have resented me intruding on her day off, which is not a good ingredient for a relationship. So as with many things in life, communication is the key. Respectful communication I might add though,'cause whether that's in a healthy friendship or a healthy relationship, there should be a good level of respect. So that even if boundaries are crossed, it can be understood and not just dismissed with a, Oh, it doesn't matter, they'll get over it sort of attitude. Now, if someone takes advantage of you and they realise if you're lucky, they'll apologise. But to be honest, most people aren't that good at apologising. It makes us feel more guilty'cause it acknowledges that we did something unfavourable and it might poke our self-esteem a little bit. If our self-esteem is high, then that's probably okay. We'll recognise that we went too far and we'll apologise, but if we can't, then at least we can acknowledge the boundary crossing and thank the other person for letting us go too far. It might be really hard to say, Sorry, honey, I've, I've let you make dinner every night this week whilst I've been playing Xbox. Because it pushes the, I'm a crappy husband button, but we can say I noticed I've been so engrossed in my Xbox, you've made dinner every night this week, sweetie. Thank you. I'll make sure to return the favour'cause that way we don't push the I'm a crappy husband button. Instead, we push the, my wife loves me and I love her too button. Everyone's a winner. Now, boundaries can cause problems if they're not realistic or they're too vague. All the polite conversations in the world won't make any difference if you tell your boyfriend he can never be late home from work. Because so much is gonna be outside of his control. And suggesting he cooks dinner a few times this week it's too vague. That could mean any day. And she then resents him, spends all week resenting the fact that he said he was gonna do it a couple of times this week, and well now it's Thursday. Too vague, you see? So if you find yourself complaining about people all the time, even if it's just in your head, there might be some boundary issues somewhere. If you find that you've never got enough time for your own stuff. Or you feel constantly inadequate and guilty. It could be that people are crossing boundaries. So start setting them. But be gentle though, you need to be realistic. If you tell yourself you're gonna change your personality overnight, not only is it gonna freak everyone else out, but it's also gonna feel so wrong to you that you'll just go back to how you were before. But if you have a friend who uses you as their comfort blanket, they offload on you face to face, via text, they phone you whenever they can possibly get time to, to tell you about their crappy life or whatever. And I hear this a lot from people when they come to therapy themselves. And they usually say things like, Hmm. I'm usually the one that everyone goes to for help. Well, it's time they were there for themselves and not just for other people. But it needs boundaries. I do it. Not only with my friends because they do come to me. I am the one that my friends go to because they know I'm not gonna judge them because I do it in my job. I set boundaries all the time, and that's okay then. And I say to all of my clients. You can message me anytime you like, email me fine. It's absolutely fine, but I can't guarantee I'm ever gonna reply. But I'll definitely read what you've said, even if it's right in the beginning of our sessions and we can talk about it in those sessions.'cause sometimes it's the writing it all down that helps. It's like journaling. So I'm never gonna discourage that. But I let them know in that very first session where the boundaries are. They know what to expect then and hopefully don't feel rejected if all they get back in reply is a thumbs up emoji or a message that says, I understand it'll be good to talk about this the next time we meet, or more likely nothing at all.'cause that's what we set up in that very first session. They know that their time with me as their therapist is for an hour, once a week, once a fortnight, whatever, and they have my absolute undivided attention. If I start blurring the boundaries by seeing them for two hours,'cause I don't have a client straight after and I'm procrastinating making a podcast episode, then the next time it gets to the 50 minute mark and I start to bring the session to a close, they could feel rejected. And it'd spoil the therapeutic relationship. And it's the same with friends and family. In order to feel respected by another person, our expectations need to be met. If we expect to talk to our best buddy for an hour and they only give us 10 minutes before they interrupt us and say, Look, I've gotta go, I'm in the middle of something. We might feel rejected. But if right at the beginning when we answer their call and they start going on, we say, I'm here for you, mate. I am in the middle of something, but I wanna hold it for 10 minutes to let you offload. Then they know what to expect. They've got 10 minutes. And you know, if they end up having 15, it wouldn't surprise them then when you say, I get it mate, it's a nightmare. Look, I'm gonna have to go. We'll chat tomorrow if you like. I'm free for 10 minutes about in quarter past 12 on my way to the canteen. Call me if you want to. Then they know where the boundaries are, but if they text you at midnight expecting a response, it is perfectly okay to ignore it and reply the next day, isn't it? The thing is. If you start replying at that time of night, even though you 100% don't want to, then they're gonna see the boundaries in a different place to you and won't even know that you are resenting them. They won't even know that they've crossed the boundary. If you've got a friend who rings you every night at nine o'clock to complain about their job, their spouse, and the price of electricity. You might find that they see you as an extension of themselves and the boundaries are overlapping to them. So because they feel that it's perfectly okay to phone someone every night at nine o'clock, I've got no problem with that. Actually, that's when their partner watches some TV program and they leave'em to it and they may well genuinely feel as if it's an ideal time for you as well. It's the same for so many situations. We've probably all seen a TV program or a film where a bloke misreads the signal from a woman that he likes. He tries it on with her a bit, and she recoils in horror and says, What made you think I was interested in you?'cause I'm really not. And this guy's genuinely thinking that everything she ever did, everything she ever said was an indication that she was into him. Just because he was interested in her. It might even have happened to you in real life. Who knows?'cause it happens. Because if we are anxious or emotional, our empathy can be turned down a little bit as if what's going on in our mind must be the same as what's going on in everybody else's. So many clients when they first meet me do say things like, I know what you're thinking. Of course, no they don't. They know what they are thinking. They dunno what I'm thinking. When someone's had years of negative self-talk, it's no surprise that it feels as if everyone else is thinking the same. So if you've got to set new boundaries, or rather let people know about where the existing boundaries actually are, there are good and bad ways of doing it. One commonly recommended technique is the good old fashioned crap sandwich, and I'm sure you've all heard about that. It's the first thing that you learn as a manager about how to give feedback. It's the same for teachers, parents, anyone and everyone. And if you've never stumbled across the crap sandwich before, it basically means to sandwich something that's unpleasant to hear in between two things that are okay. So if little Johnny brings his dad some art homework and there is massive room for improvement and you know for a fact that little Johnny only spent the very bare minimum of time on it, then if you just say, I think you could do better Johnny, that is only gonna cause problems. Whether that's fight or flight, anger or sadness, Johnny's gonna have a bad day, throw a tantrum and make his dad have a bad day as well. But saying, Wow, I love the way you've kept in the lines when you've coloured in Iron Man's helmet. That's great. Oh, I can see where you might have got a tired hand look because you've gone over the lines a few times as you've worked your way down there, you could probably do with taking your time, spending a bit longer on it. So as not to rush, but whoa, love it. Great pic Johnny. That's a crap sandwich. It shows that there's room for improvement, but remains positive. And with so many things in life, that's a good habit to get into. And when setting boundaries, we need to do the same. It just means getting our head around it. So if what someone wants to say to their bothersome partner is, Will you stop pestering me? I don't want sex every single night, but they're worried it's gonna put them in a bad mood. Might even completely ruin their sex life. They can instead say something like, sex with you is amazing, just not when it's every night. I don't want the novelty to wear off and I want it to carry on being fantastic. Win-win. We can't a hundred percent guarantee it's not gonna put them in a mood. Of course, we can't actually influence people that much. All we can do is our best. But if there are things that you can control, then make sure you do. You can't actually stop your mate from calling you at nine o'clock every night to complain about their boss, but you can actually ignore the phone. You can get into a habit of not answering your phone after eight o'clock at night or whatever. Another thing is to be careful with the word You. If you are out and your partner messages you every five minutes checking up on you, then coming back home and saying, you need to stop doing that. You need to trust me, you made me angry. It's got too much blame in it. Instead, make it about yourself. Use I statements because no one can argue with I statements. Because they're about you. So if you say, I feel annoyed when I get a text every five minutes, then the other person can't disagree with that. So avoid the word you where possible change it to we if you have to. I'd prefer it if we waited until I was home before we chatted. Now, even if it's a slow process, you're still changing your relationships with people. So you might lose a friend, you might end a relationship, it's only a possibility. But if we're honest, a relationship or a friendship with poor boundaries that can't exist without them is probably already missing respect, and I'd say it's okay to let it go. Speaking of which we need to let this episode go for another time. Thank you for listening and supporting the podcast. Like I say so often, if you'd like more content, you can find me on Patreon. Where for six pounds a month I'm there every single Monday morning with a real full episode. None of your teeny tiny five minute Friday stuff on there. So enjoy your week and I'll speak to you next time. See ya.