The Tyranny Of The Should

This week I'm looking at the constant battle between our real self and our ideal self, and how those nagging “shoulds” (“I should be more productive,” “I should have my life figured out”) create unnecessary pressure and self-criticism.

Dove Real Beauty Sketches
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrHoDJinMQI

Transcript

Richard: 0:00

Hey, hey, hope you're doing well today. If not, that's all right. Maybe that's why you're tune in for a little nudge in the right direction. Sometimes all it takes is a small experience to shift our perspective. Did you ever see the short film by the soap company Dove as part of their campaign for real beauty? A police sketch artist drew women based on their own descriptions of themselves, and then again based on how others saw them, and the differences were really quite striking. Other people tend to see us in a much kinder light than we see ourselves. And not just about appearance either. We do tend to judge ourselves far more harshly than other people do in every aspect of life. In fact, take a moment and think about how you would describe yourself. What sort of stuff would come after the words I am, and then imagine somebody else doing the same. Because I don't think their words would match yours, because the way you see yourself only exists in your head. Everyone around you holds a slightly different version of you in their mind, and yet we judge ourselves based on some imaginary standard. But where does that standard even come from? Most struggles with self-worth stem from one tiny word. Should, I should be happier, I should be more successful. I should be better at this. The shoulds sneak into our thoughts, setting us up for failure because should is always based on comparison, but compared to what?'cause many people don't feel low because life is bad. They feel low because life isn't matching what they believe it should be. And it's this gap between expectation and reality that tends to create distress. Psychologist Karen Horney called this The Tyranny of the Should. She described how we hold ourselves to impossible standards, constantly battling between our real self and our ideal self. And let's be honest, this ideal self is ridiculous. It's the version of you that does everything perfectly all the time, never procrastinates. And every time you don't match up, the shoulds take over. But nobody is their ideal self. So maybe it's okay to stop fighting a battle you can't win. It's worth looking at where these expectations come from though, because often they aren't even ours. Maybe it was a critical parent, teachers passing comment or just societal pressures absorbed over time, and we call this an external locus of control, where your self-worth is based on how you think others see you. And that's a crummy place to live. So the alternative an internal locus of control is where your self worth comes from within, and rather than being arrogance, it's more about realising your value isn't up for debate. And shifting this mindset does take a bit of time and practice, but one way to start is by challenging old beliefs at their absolute source. So if you think back to a time when someone made you feel not good enough, think about their words, but change their voice in your head. Imagine them saying the same thing, but in a ridiculous voice like Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse, and it begins to lose its power'cause your brain doesn't remember everything you've ever experienced, it's not a video recorder. It remembers the meaning of an experience. But if you can change the meaning of an old memory, if it can become ridiculous, then it stops holding you back.'cause there is no universal rule book for how you should live your life. There's no authority deciding if you're doing things right or wrong. We need to accept ourselves as we are before ever making any changes. Recognising that where you are right now is okay. That you don't have to be perfect, that you're not a failure just because you haven't reached some imaginary milestone. So if you can catch yourself saying Should, stop and ask. Who says? Where does this belief come from? Is it even true?'cause most of the time the answer's gonna be No. The person you are right now is already enough. So be mindful of your shoulds. Question them. Let go of the ones that don't serve you.'cause at the end of the day, you get to decide how you live your life. So have a brilliant week. I'll speak to you again soon. Take care.