The 100mph Life

Being behind on your goals doesn't mean rushing to get everything finished, it doesn't mean disrespecting yourself and not looking after yourself.

One of the most important factors in getting through a busy life with a healthy and happy mindset is the quality time that you put to one side just for you.

Transcript

Richard: [00:00:00] And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls podcast, the personal development podcast series that's here to help inspire, educate, and motivate you to be the best you can be. 

Richard: I'm psychotherapist Richard Nicholls, and this episode is all about slowing down. If you are ready, we'll start the show.

Richard: Happy April, everybody if you're listening to this as it comes out, anyway. We've got a very late Easter this year, much to my wife's annoyance. 'cause this year the bank holiday is on her birthday and she likes to have a day off for her birthday, and now she's gotta share it with a load of other people, which is not her idea of a birthday treat. Going places where there are fewer people, that's her idea of a birthday treat. But hey, it's a bank holiday and everyone [00:01:00] deserves some time off. I just hope the people in the shops keeping places going so the ones having a day off have got somewhere to go, can still get their time away. 'cause there have been some cultural shifts this last what, probably decade or so.

Richard: It's not so bad when it's only one day off, but I do find that if people have a few days off or they have a week's holiday, they end up working a ridiculous amount of overtime to compensate for it, which leads people to then get knackered out and need another holiday. And we need to recognise that being behind on our goals doesn't mean rushing to get everything finished.

Richard: It doesn't mean disrespecting yourself and not looking after yourself. 'cause one of the most important factors in getting through a busy life with a healthy and happy mindset is the quality time that you put to one side that's just for you. We're living in a society that feels like it runs at a hundred [00:02:00] miles an hour. And the more we see it, the more normal it becomes. It becomes acceptable to work six days a week, 12 hours a day. I was talking to somebody earlier this month. Wasn't that recently, actually. It was a couple of weeks ago now, and I used the phrase Monday to Friday, nine to five to mean a regular office job. But a lot of people work a lot more than that.

Richard: And you don't have to go very far up a corporate ladder to be expected to start before eight o'clock in the morning and still be taking calls and emails at eight o'clock at night. We still say nine to five, don't we? Although in China people don't, they do tend to refer to 9, 9, 6, which means starting at 9:00 AM finishing at 9:00 PM six days a week.

Richard: And in China that's becoming acceptable and it really shouldn't. And it's not unusual everywhere for someone to have a 12 hour work day, especially with a lot of people working from home nowadays, [00:03:00] people have been logging on way earlier than they used to. Finishing way later. Even before we started the sort of hybrid working, and they were leaving for work seven o'clock in the morning, getting back at seven o'clock at night.

Richard: That's been quite normal. When you've got eight hours, that's put to one side to go to bed, we're not left with much for ourselves, are we? Still four hours though every single day. And we might convince ourselves that those four hours need to be spent doing other stuff other than looking after ourselves.

Richard: And yeah, there is some truth in that, of course, but not every day. There's not four hours of housework every day. I know that's easy for me to say. I've only got one son and he's at uni now, so we don't have to look after him particularly much just send him cash. And when he was little, I'm not sure we'd have coped very well without the in-laws who were doing so much assistance for us.

Richard: So I know everybody's story's gonna be different, but even if you're working and commuting for [00:04:00] 12 hours a day, you can still make time for you somewhere. Although society doesn't really encourage it, does it? We don't get a lot of support or encouragement to do nothing, do we? It's all about producing something, which is fine, but not all the time.

Richard: We can't live there. And if we're honest, the work never stops. There is always something else that could be done. But note I said could, there's always something more that could be done, not necessarily should be done, but if you've got a long list of things to do in a week, doing nothing should actually be on that list as well.

Richard: Because stress and anxiety and all the related problems it causes, they are at an all time high. Maybe partly because we're being told that if we aren't constantly achieving something, then we are wasting our time [00:05:00] and the effects of acting and thinking that way influence every part of our lives. 

Richard: Now, I'm quite a calm, laid back sort of character. But I was reminded recently 'cause I was talking about it on another podcast I host, Therapy Natters. Some of you might listen to that one as well. So apologies if you're hearing this story again. But back in 2019, I went on a six week holiday and so I needed, to do a lot of work beforehand.

Richard: 'cause we were going to Australia for a month and it was great, but of course it meant extra work beforehand. I had clients to make sure I saw before I left. I had I think, 10 podcast episodes to put together before I did that as well, and my muscles got so tight and tense I couldn't open and close my mouth properly.

Richard: My jaw muscles, my face muscles. They all locked up and although I knew I was feeling under pressure, I didn't think anybody else would notice. [00:06:00] But I mentioned it just before we went away that year to my brother-in-law over a meal out somewhere, and my son was sitting next to me and he overheard me saying something like, yeah, I've been feeling really tight, almost angry lately.

Richard: Not that anyone would ever notice. Obviously, you know, me being me, all laid back in that. And my son laughs and he pipes up. What do you mean? Not that anyone would notice? You have been really grumpy lately. And I thought, Oh no, I didn't think anybody would've noticed. And I glanced over at my wife and she smiled and nodded and went, Yeah, you've been a nightmare.

Richard: And I genuinely didn't think anybody would've noticed how I was feeling, despite the fact I blather on about the common principles that tends to be talked about a lot in cognitive behavioral therapy, of thoughts influencing emotions, emotions influencing behaviour and behaviour, influencing thoughts. And round and round it goes.

Richard: I'm always talking about [00:07:00] it because it's true. It's not just part of CBT, it's just part of psychology. You can't hide it. It will creep over into other areas of your life. So we really do need to ensure we take some time out because no one is an exception to the rule. Even if you think you are, believe me, I learned that the hard way by being laughed at by a then 14-year-old who knew better than me.

Richard: And I know that when I make time for myself, the annoyances in life shrink dramatically. They're still there. They must be, and they must be experiencing the same frustrations on a daily basis, just like everyone else. But if two or three days a week I've been able to take time out for me, I don't seem to notice those frustrations 'cause I'm a bit more relaxed, a bit more tolerant.

Richard: So, make sure you don't make the same mistake. Look after yourself, [00:08:00] make time to do nothing. That's why I make a load of hypnotherapy tracks that, that have put on Patreon to remind people to make time just for you. 'cause one of the biggest problems we find, is that in trying to get away from our issues, people often wrongly think that all they need to do is walk away and sit and do nothing.

Richard: So they save it for when they go on holiday. They can't wait to get away and just do nothing. And you might well be preparing to do so yourself right now to go and sit by a pool somewhere in the summer and not have to think about work and no, you don't have to think about work. But out of habit, you might, and if not work, you might think about something else that could stress you out.

Richard: 'cause we aren't that good at doing nothing. It takes practice to be at peace with your own thoughts and we should practice [00:09:00] that before we go on holiday so that when we don't have anything to worry about, we don't. It's kind of like meditation, I guess, or mindfulness, at least. Mindfulness, very often quoted.

Richard: It makes it sound as if we don't need anything else other than just to be mindful. It's a bit overused, I think as a phrase, 'cause it's obviously not the answer to every mental illness is it? But it is useful and it really is worth practicing. But you need to know something in learning to be mindful, in learning to be happy with your thoughts.

Richard: You won't be, 'cause that's learning, isn't it? If you could already do it, then well, you wouldn't need to learn it. So be okay if when you're doing nothing for 20 minutes, that it might only be for a minute at a time and every other minute you're thinking about whether you've got enough fuel in your car or time left to sort out your tax return.

Richard: [00:10:00] Until with practice, those intrusions become fewer and fewer and fewer until it's easy to sit and relax for 20 minutes. And when thoughts come, they go again just as easily. Sort of go past you. But it means taking time out to practice that even if all you do is spend some time with one of those adult coloring books. Which is a total misnomer, by the way, the ones in the news agents that are called adult coloring books.

Richard: They're not adult coloring books if you ask me. They're just normal coloring books, just not of Peppa Pig and Postman Pat. A genuine adult coloring book is something else altogether. And if you can get your hands on some of those, they're hilarious. A lot more fun than coloring in mandalas and parrots.

Richard: But you do need a sense of humor or a dirty mind, or both. No matter what you do, get to know yourself. Spend some time with yourself. Learn that you [00:11:00] don't always need other people around you to keep you sane. It's good to be social. Ticks a lot of boxes, although a lot of people don't need as much social interaction as they might think they do.

Richard: The interactions we have through our work is likely to be enough for a lot of folk. So, try not to get into the habit of needing to escape from yourself by using other people as a distraction. You don't need to escape from yourself. You're not poisonous, you're not toxic, and if your thoughts are toxic, then learn to lengthen the spaces in between your thoughts.

Richard: By practicing some alone time that might be exactly what you need. It helps you to build a better relationship with yourself. Where you feel comfortable in your own company without needing other people to fill in some sort of void that you've got. I do think we've made some mistakes these last few [00:12:00] generations.

Richard: We don't tend to teach children how to be alone, so we've grown up without the skill of being able to differentiate between solitude and loneliness. We used to send children to their room as a punishment rather than a reward, and we should be teaching them that it's great to go and be yourself for a bit.

Richard: We should be doing that. Thanks for helping me with the shopping, little Johnny. Now go to your room just to be by yourself. Do anything you like and I'll call you down when your dinner's ready. Those sorts of things. 'cause they'll figure out for themselves as teenagers that it's good to create your own space.

Richard: But by then, if we're not careful, they haven't had enough practice at being alone. So their idea of being alone is watching TV or playing video games. Maybe six year olds should be given homework that doesn't require a great deal of thinking. I mean, I'm not a teacher. Some of you are though, I know I've got a lot of teachers as listeners [00:13:00] 'cause I get messages from everybody.

Richard: You might think I'm barking up the wrong tree, but how amazing would it be if every 6-year-old had homework of colouring in Thomas the Tank Engine pictures every couple of days, and they must take at least half an hour on it just to train them to be alone without needing a busy distraction to get them outta their head.

Richard: Brilliant. And the the adult alternative is gonna be different for every one of you. It might be coloring in, it might be coloring in Thomas the Tank Engine pictures, but it might be coloring in the, what was it called? The Playtime for Couples Sex Position Coloring Book. That's fun. Or meditation or hypnosis, or listening to Pink Floyd or something.

Richard: Maybe, all you need to do is just go and lie down in a dark room and enjoy the silence, listening to what is not happening for a change. You know, you can learn a [00:14:00] a lot about yourself in those quiet moments when you're least occupied. Times when there is nothing to distract you from the thoughts and feelings that you might have denied yourself during all the busy and stressed times.

Richard: And if you want some help with that, there are loads of hypnotherapy tracks on my Patreon page. It's only six pound a month and obviously you also get extra podcast episodes on a Monday morning as well. But whatever you do, take some time out just for yourself. Hypnotherapy or not, figure out what works for you and do what works for you to train yourself to be okay in your own company.

Richard: And I think you'll be surprised at just how much of a difference it makes to everything else that goes on in your life as well. Right then. I shall be off for now. Have a super duper week. There'll be a short bonus episode on Friday. Of course, this week's will be about emotional regulation, [00:15:00] I think. And I'll be back on Patreon with a full episode on Monday, which I'm pretty sure is gonna be about Anxiety 'cause I've already made some notes for that episode.

Richard: So tune in if that interests you. Have a super day. I'll speak to you next time, however that may be. Take care folks.